Soft By Nature...

There’s who/how you are instinctively... how you would be if the outside world did not exist and you were never introduced to anyone else, the type of person you would be living isolated on an island surrounded by the beauty of mother earth and the wondrous diversity of creatures that walk it. Skipping, laughing, exploring and playing with the animals. Dancing and singing in the rain. Swimming and splashing in the gentle ocean...

Then, there is someone else. The person your parents taught you to be. They told you “The world out there is harsh and you need to be prepared for it.” The person the world showed you to be, by watching the news and reading the paper. The person that has met the ugliest of liars, abusers, and takers.

You try to be your “natural” self, or, you tried, emphasis on past tense! Yet time and time, and time again, you were excruciatingly shown that indeed to be that person is a mistake because no matter how forgiving or accepting you can possibly be, you end up being trodden on, kicked when you’re down, beaten to a pulp, your heart ripped to shreds, forgotten, discarded and replaced.

And you’re taught that actually, people don’t give a shit irrespective of what they said or how sincere it appeared to be at the time, that charm works wonders and leads you to believe all the wonderful things your pure, innocent heart wants to.
That it’s incredibly easy to lie and pretend in order to get what they want from you and once they have had it or can’t get it exactly when they want to have it, you become uninteresting and not worth the time.

You’re taught that “convenience” is the ultimate goal and anything requiring effort is “too much” or “a luss”... and that in actuality there was nothing “special” about you, you just happened to be there at that moment and because you were, you were “wanted”.

But... “Out of sight, out of mind. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder when there is nothing remotely close to a heart there to begin with.

And so you regret ever being the person you were with them, or letting them see you, or giving them what they wanted and being insanely angry for even wanting it yourself, because once again, you were taken advantage of, despite hoping/thinking that maybe, just maybe, this person was different... but no.


Time and action has proven you wrong. You should have trusted your gut. You should have listened to that whispering voice. You should not have given into temptation, remained strong and kept yourself, to yourself!

Because now... all you have is that emptiness, questioning what it is you did wrong, or what you could have done to have kept them interested, or why they no longer want to talk to you... a bunch of pointless questions you will never have the answers to because you can’t ask them.

You can’t ask them because if you do, you appear “desperate”, “clingy”, “emo”, “still keen”... and you can’t do that... you just can’t. If you do, they will just “win” even more because it is apparent that they still have a hold over you, still live in your thoughts, and still haunt your dreams...

You watch films like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and you hate yourself for being “one of those girls”... you thought you were better than that. You thought you were different. But, you weren’t. And neither were they. You were just another notch on his belt and he was just another guy who broke your heart.

So you tell yourself its better this way. Rather sooner than later right? Rather have him forget you now before you ever had the chance to make him really remember you. Rather have your eyes opened to the painful truth now, than to continue trying to blind yourself... blind your eyes from the hardcore evidence that is clearly in front of you.

You tell yourself it was cool while it lasted, but that it’s over now... that “it” wasn’t ever anything official in the first place so there is nothing to be hurt or disappointed about. That you’re being a silly, emotional female and that there’s no use shedding tears over spilt milk.

You tell yourself that it wouldn’t/couldn’t have worked anyway because you’re both too busy focusing on your careers and time, distance and priorities would have ultimately keep you apart. That you’re in a different space... on a different path... and you curse the stars for ever making the two align for the brief amount of time that they did.

You tell yourself to let him go. Wish him well. To not be angry or upset. But to trust in the universe and move on. You tell yourself to give up. And to not contact, think, speak or even dream of him. You tell yourself it’s a waste of energy because there is no way and nothing he can do that is ever going to be able to change this.
The best you can do is to forget about him just as easily as he has forgotten you.
You tell yourself that he isn’t a bad person, that what you experienced was awesome yet temporary, and that you just weren’t “something” enough. That it’s not your fault, or his, but it’s just the way it is and you have no other option but to accept it. That trying to figure out any “meaning” behind any thoughts, words or actions is presumptuous and irrelevant.

That the past is the past and although you are choosing to embrace it and not hold a grudge, he cannot rewind time and act differently. And what has happened has now happened and unfortunately actions, or in his case, lack thereof, have consequences.

The consequences:
Ignore. Lie. Pretend. Be fake. Be “strong.” Build a wall. Resist. Protect yourself. Be polite. Don’t ever say what is on your heart or mind. Keep your mouth shut. Never let your guard down. Never let him in. Don’t care. Don’t remember. Don’t miss. Don’t hope. Don’t admit. Don’t look back. Don’t second guess. Never be honest, true or real. And walk away... never to return.
He will never have you again.

Be the person the world, your parents and he taught you to be.

Soft By Nature. Hard As Fuck By Nurture.