If I really take the time to sit and meditate on my day to day stresses and woes, I realize how impervious they are in comparison to the vastly greater tragedies I myself witness and am exposed to. This leads me to wonder why every single person on the planet is not overwhelmed by an absolute determination to do something, and just be 1000% consumed with the innate desire to perform every action possible and devote their time to relentlessly working towards changing it??!!!!
I myself am guilty of it!!! Ashamed to admit it, it's true. My days revolve solely around activities and efforts to ascertain a certain amount of financial freedom so as to have a better, easier life. I find my concerns predominantly work, chore and relaxation orientated. Attend x amount of meetings, do the laundry, vacuum the floors, go see this person to discuss this plan, come home and chill, read a bit of my book, visit that friend, hang out at that bar and so the list continues. All the while, seeing the man with no arms begging at the robots, saying "sorry brother I have no change". All the while, hearing of horrific offenses happening in and around my city of all the crime and violence that has happened. All the while, complaining of the horrid inconvenience it is to have my iPhone stolen and as a result I have to go to the Police Station to obtain an affidavit for the sole purpose of an insurance claim. Wow Tarryn. Really???!!!!! Of course it is an inconvenience, I now have to spend my "precious"time doing something I wouldn't have to ordinarily do if someone out there didn't see it as acceptable to take what was never theirs.
It's such a pathetic example but ultimately, the only thing severely WRONG with my life is that I don't do anything of substance with it!!!! "if you only do what you know you can do, you never do very much"
I'm constantly perturbed by the poverty, violence, crime and abuse that surrounds me and in particular as I live here, in Cape Town. And yet it only ever reaches that. Thoughts, questions, perhaps a prayer that night for the soul that sleeps outside my balcony behind the my city bus stop. And that is where it ends. This constant, unbearable wave of sadness for the people suffering, struggling and no more. Just enough to forget about it the next day and be distracted by my work commitments and errands.
In the end all this leads to is the initial question I ask at the start of it all,what the fuck is going on? Is this just something as a member of "society" (fuck society) that I have to accept, tolerate, and give my R5 when I have it?
Sometimes I tell myself: one day I'm going to have enough money to move to an island where there is no such thing as a city or streets so I don't have to see people sleeping outside the Ferrari dealership. Where everyone will be self sustainable and sleeping in a quaint little hut, with enough food and water. Where everyone will respect and love each other and not steal, rape or murder. But then I wonder if such a place only exists in my dreams.
I know suffering is a part of life. I'm aware. I know there has to be a balance: right and wrong, good and evil, laughter and tears, I could mention a dozen more. But what I DON'T know, is WHY in the world, can that suffering not be to a certain extent that is bearable? Why do some humans have to take it to an irreversible level of infliction and destroy so drastically? Whether it be our planet, our people or our animals? I don't understand this destructive mentality we're possessed by where we take what we want whether it's harmful or not.
It cripples me beyond comprehension and I cry my tears of disappointment for the evil that's within us.
If this is the state of the world I live in, 2013, how cruel would it be for me to procreate? To live a "normal" life, to get married, to make money, to go on holiday, to buy new clothes?
Should I not rather devote my every breathe to trying to do something, write something, say something. That may possibly, hopefully, God-willingly inspire even just a single soul to act differently?
"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can."
Right now.... I'm in my bedroom, all I have is words, what I can do, is share them.
I wanted to email you in person but I felt like that would be to weird so I thought I'd comment on your blog. And hopefully you'll read it. But if not, then not. Like you, I sometimes feel the urge of sharing my words.
ReplyDeleteIn some many ways I think you are right. In so many ways I think you are out of balance. In order to understand the negative we have to understand the underlying thoughts and emotions that we feel as human beings.
WE ARE NOT GOOD NOR FORGIVING OR HELPERS.
For me, not poverty has proven this. Not murders or rape have convinced me of this. Not even wars could really convince me of the 'bad' we contain. Because, its too global. Too massive. Too much.
You should read the following link:
http://parttwoofnothing.tumblr.com/post/43738592068/5earch1ng4mymuchne55-marina-abramovic-is-best
I reblogged it because it's heavy as fuck and it got to me on a very personal and individual level.
To me it shows that as humans we do not intend to help anyone. If the chance is being given we rather choose to destroy than to create. The link shows you an experiment by a female artist that was willing to give her life to prove this.
That said, I do not think that all of us are out there to only fuck things up. (Like you choose to fuck society other choose to fuck other things) We can be good, if we are given a reason to be. Like love. Family. Beliefs.
Dreams.
Hope.
We are cursed with a sense of right and wrong but the inability to act upon it. 'How many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many people have died. How many ears must one man have, before he can hear people cry?' Dylan wrote this. And I we all kind of write this when we cry seeing pictures of little babies dead by the lack of food. But at the same time we throw away a bag of doritos because the image of death makes us sick. We write this when we donate 6 euros to the 'Help built a home foundation' and the next day book a 1000 euro Marriot hotel to stay in because the bed is so comfy. And the coffee is great.
It makes no sense but it's human nature.
Achieving individual happiness is not a sin. You have the right to gain happiness. And you share it. Constantly. Not global. Not worldwide or by large numbers. But this morning when I found your photo on instagram, I realized you have a smile that enlightens an entire day of a complete stranger. It is something to share.
And so we all have these tiny little insignificant things that we consider small and not important. But it's important that we do them and remain aware of the power we hold by doing those things. That's the only defensive you have to offer against all the Dark you see which makes you sad. To not let it make you sad.
I mean, Bob Marley had the biggest dream of injecting people with love by making music. All he ever did was making music. He did not stop wars. Nor poverty. But it was essential for him have been alive.
And so it is with you.
You can't blame You for the wrong. Nor can you blame others actually.
I know this all makes NO sense. I just wanted to talk to you. So I sort of did. I struggle with this quite some. But it's not worh getting unhappy about.
It's not your fault. Or it's everyone's fault.
Check out the article on the project RHYTHM 0, 1974
I hope you are well. As well as kind.
Yours truly,
Part Two Of Nothing