it is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mio3T3l_52k
Being in the presence of someone you long to know, fully. Someone you know is hiding, or trying to. Someone that no matter how long you are seprated, no matter how long the two of you do not talk for, they remain like a stain in your heart. Every second of every waking or dreamlike moment.
It's enthralling, petrifying and excruciating.
In this moment I find myself in this ever consistent mental war.
It won't leave me alone.
Mind says, "Surrounding yourself with the company of an individual that harnesses negativity towards you for previous wrongs, is not worth it, and not condusive to a healthy psychological state, thus, do not embrace the presence of this individual but rather avoid it and leave it in the past, where it belongs. How can you forgive yourself fully if you know the one you have wronged has yet to? And question, if you have forgiven yourself fully is it necessary to be made to feel guilty for something you did years ago, in fact, you didn't do it because you are no longer that person. Today you are someone different. Someone worth knowing and being around."
Heart says, "Let them be, let them say what they need to say in order to feel better about themselves in their own mind. Let them be slightly disrespectful, hurtful, it's understandable, it is coming from a wounded place. Perhaps in time, in more sharing of each other's civil, casual company, the dynamics will improve and the dire need for them to wear an annoying chip on their shoulder shall pass. That love is a choice and an action, not a feeling, and this needs to be adhered to. If they need to walk all over you, remind you of your mistakes, take advantage of the insanely obvious fact that you are still hopelessly in love with them, so be it. Being around them like this is better than not being around them at all, right?"
And so it continues. This battle. This war. Distracting. Consuming. Engulfing.
They say, (personally I feel they talk too much!) that one becomes one's thoughts. Mine are diverged. Total polar opposites. One extreme, or the other. Neglect or embrace. Let go or pursue. What conclusion does that possibly leave me with?
They also say that things end for a reason. And perhaps this is true. I somehow find myself believing in not giving up, no matter what the circumstances, that one will never know until they can honestly say they have given their all and tried everything to change it. And if I have to be hard on myself and answer my own question the truth is no, I have not.
The risk. One drastic, epic gesture? Or patient, hopeful, wishful thinking. Both in our day and age I percieve to be somewhat lame.
But if the creature you wish to relate with refuses to speak to you on a level of earnesty what is there left for you to do?
What outcome is there to be discovered? What shall I become?
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