Friends

Do you ever feel like you can't talk about what's going on in, around and inside of you with someone that you know because you crave a certain amount of understanding from another human entity, but yet, your being is countlessly dissappointed by the assumptions, the conclusions, the narrowmindedness, and OH, the expectations, illustrated by the personalities you're opening your heart and sharing your thoughts with... ? The frustration! I've become absurdly aware of the idea and concept held by the individuals with the name of "friend" that claim to know you, due to having spent a fair amount of time with you or have shared some of your experiences. My question is: Are you who your friends think or say you are? Some claim to know you better than you know yourself. What dictates whether a person knows you or not? If I am "this" person around them, is that then not who I am? Have they seen me alone in my room at night, gazing at the mirror, staring at my reflection watching the tears caress my cheeks, looking into my deep, bottomless eyes asking myself an infinite amount of questions, racing rapidly through brain vessels like lightning bolts. So fast but yet even more clear, like ghosts whisping through my hair, each ghost a colourful question dipping and diving through each strand, twirling and twisting my locks into one huge Jackson Pollock?! 

No they have not. I almost wish they have. I'm exaserbated by an unheard voice... words lost into the realm of nothingness as deaf ears repel them. How does one speak so as to assure one is heard? You can't make someone listen, feel, understand, acknowlege, question. Why are "friends" so damn lazy? Are they preprogramed to rattle off an automated response due to a level of comfort and frequency of your presence in their lives? What does it take to be genuinely interested in someone you think you know, for an extended period of time? Is that what makes meeting new people so "fun" and "exciting" ? The fact that you don't embrace laziness and are actually graced with the opportunity to be challenged and really listen, because you really don't know this person from a bar of soap? And sometimes, without a breathe or a whisper, upon meeting a new face, an energy is emitted that distinguishes whether indeed you are going to listen or not...

Why is it so important to have friends? People you "know" ? "Everything is better shared." A sunset, a joke, a packet of crisps, a good film. Someone to say "Did you see that?!" to? Or... is it to have someone there for you in a time of desperation? Someone to help push your broken down car to a garage, someone to make you soup when you have flu, someone to give you a hug when you're scared... but how many of these friends are actually there when you need them? Or when it's convenient? 

Or is it to not feel alone? Have you ever walked into a room with a crowd full of people and felt the most lonely youve ever felt in your life? Like a spectator, judge, an observer.... I'm alone now sitting on the bricks outside, just me and the cool breeze to keep me company, a notebook and a pen... I feel superbly at peace. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an intruder, not meant for this place, but merely here to learn something. Something vital and crucial to pass onto others, elsewhere.