WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAY?

Looking back on it all now I realise that I've been completely wrong about the idea of love my entire life. Something I craved, something I didn't really ever get to experience, something I don't think I've ever really understood. Although the whole time up until this point I truly believed I knew exactly what is was.

Movies tell you what it is, cheesy radio treffers tell you what it is, your parents, family and maybe even some friends try to tell you what love is... perhaps you've read some books, or internet articles, some pages in Cosmo... and when you think you feel it or are somewhere close to it, you convince yourself that it's true. “This must be true love!” How silly. How sad.

I've been serial dating (in and out of relationships) since the tender age of 16. I am now turning 28. That's 12 full years with very little time in between of long-term serious relationships with a few flings here and there. There was ALWAYS a guy. There was also a whole ton of disappointment and heartache.

It's a fairly odd place to be in. This whole time I was searching for love I wonder have I lost myself... Who am I alone? Who am I without a boyfriend or love interest? Am I ok just to be me, whoever that is?

I find it incredibly concerning that love is THE most important thing on earth and yet every single person that is here right now seems to get it wrong. In the Bible we are told to Love Thy neighbour as you Love Yourself. Hmmm. That's it. That's why. We are all suffering from the same human condition. We don't love ourselves. But why? If you loved yourself would you treat others as you would want to be treated? Would you? Why don't we love ourselves? I'm not talking about superficial looking at yourself in the mirror. Going to gym. Enjoying a chocolate because you “deserve it”

I'm talking about being 100% happy, content & accepting of who you are. But you don't like who you are. You compare yourself to everyone else on Facebook. You look at your friend and wish you could be as fit. You look to celebrities and wish you had the financial freedom to do whatever you want. You pensively stare at advertising whilst day dreaming that “if you could just have this or that”, THEN you would be happy... You look at your neighbour and you envy them, you don't love them as you love yourself. How can you truly love anyone when you don't love yourself to begin with?

We've all been homeschooled but in the wrong home, we were created TO love, and we've just NEEDED love. Always needing someone else to validate our existence, prove our worth, satisfy that limitless black hole inside of us that needs to be filled with something or someone or we'll just feel empty forever right? Wrong. The majority of this world is dog eat dog. Somewhere, something has gone completely whack. We were not created to be this way, live this way or think this way.

If anything we were absolutely created for the opposite. We are supposed to GIVE without wanting anything in return. We are supposed to be kind and considerate of our fellow man. We are supposed to treasure and nurture our animals and our planet. We are supposed to put the needs of others before our own. We were created to be SELFLESS and yet we are all 100% SELFISH.

If something or someone doesn't serve you and you have “nothing” to gain from it, it's a waste of your time. Your very dear, oh so precious time. I mean, how can anyone dare to take up any of that.

My question, however, is... what does it have to do with YOU? If you really, truly, deeply loved yourself as one should, you would be so content in the fact that you are so happy to just be, helping someone doesn't necessarily HAVE TO benefit you in any way at all, because, you are YOU and that is enough. Being available to consider what someone else may need without being “paid back” in any shape or form is a gift. It's a blessing. THIS IS WHY WE ARE HERE. This is why we are born into family, why we have have formed communities, towns, cities and countries. Why we were placed upon this beautiful earth not alone. Why we procreate. Why we exist. We are here to surrender ourselves and be there for each other, support each other, encourage each other, offer ourselves, our time, our blessings and our talents to those that need it.

There's friendship for a reason. There are relationships for a reason. But above all, there is love for a reason. It's easy to love your friend who you have sooo much in common with and hang out with all the time. It's easy to love your cat.

In fact, sometimes your friends drive you nuts. Sometimes your cat pees in your gym bag. Then what happens..? “How could you do this TO ME?” Why are you putting ME through this, why do I have to listen to this shit?” etc etc etc. Oh yeah how life has for centuries been all about ME, MYSELF AND I.

Even that, is not love. Love doesn't hold a record of wrongs. Love forgives, love turns the other cheek. Love is unconditional. Love sees the good not the bad. Love believes the best in someone. Love looks to bring the best out in someone. Love seeks nothing in return but just is. Love is respectful. Love doesn't just take what it needs for as long as it needs it and then disappears into an abyss. As if there was basically nothing between the two individuals who shared their so-called misinterpretation of the word, so as to continue in their little journey alone until they find the next person to fill that need. Love is taking careful consideration for what is best for the OTHER not just yourself. Love is GENUINELY WANTING the best for someone else, as much as yourself.

LOVE NEVER FAILS. LOVE NEVER GIVES UP.

Love is everlasting, eternal, forever. Love is the only thing that can ever stand the test of time and I honestly wonder if ANYONE exists out there who even asks themselves these types of questions because for too long, I myself have been blinded, misguided, lost in the whirlwind of media hype of what “love” really looks like.

I feel like right now for the first time in my life the mask has been lifted. The blindfold has been obliterated into smithereens. There is nothing that could possibly occur that could ever change the revelation I've been taught over these past years, Thank God, literally. I thank God for teaching me. Despite the pain, despite the heartache, despite the tears, I thank Him because He has been trying to teach my stubborn heart the same lesson over and over again, and finally the truth has not only been revealed but believed!

I believe love is brave, courageous, fearless. Love isn't scared to show itself boldly. Love doesn't play games, love doesn't hide, pretend or lie to protect itself. Love has no shame. Love is vulnerable. Love trusts without holding back. Love is gentle, patient and pure. Love is free.

Love is powerful and CAN conquer all. Love is for everyone and everything. Not just those you choose, not just those you like or share common interests with. Love is for the lady behind the Clicks counter, love is for the angry driver that cut in front of you, love is for the homeless person asking for bread, love is for your Gran while she asks you the same question for the 10^th time, love is for your sister even after she broke your favourite pair of shoes. Love just is. Not because someone earned it. Love is for your worst enemy because they probably need it most. Not because you feel guilty or obliged. Not because “it's the right thing to do.”

Love has been lost. But if you find it, for yourself, for others and for the world, it's the most valuable treasure you shall ever possess. I pray you all find it, keep it and live it, forever.

*Photography: Justin Dingwall

What the f*ck is going on??!!

I dont WANT to be "negative" ... But when I see with my observant eyes, listen with a curious ear, and feel with a broken heart... I can't help but question: what the fuck is going on???!!!!

If I really take the time to sit and meditate on my day to day stresses and woes, I realize how impervious they are in comparison to the vastly greater tragedies I myself witness and am exposed to. This leads me to wonder why every single person on the planet is not overwhelmed by an absolute determination to do something, and just be 1000% consumed with the innate desire to perform every action possible and  devote their  time to relentlessly working towards changing it??!!!! 

I myself am guilty of it!!! Ashamed to admit it, it's true. My days revolve solely around activities and efforts to ascertain a certain amount of financial freedom so as to have a better, easier life.  I find my concerns predominantly work, chore and relaxation orientated. Attend x amount of meetings, do the laundry, vacuum the floors, go see this person to discuss this plan, come home and chill, read a bit of my book, visit that friend, hang out at that bar and so the list continues. All the while, seeing the man with no arms begging at the robots, saying "sorry brother I have no change". All the while, hearing of horrific offenses happening in and around my city of all the crime and violence that has happened. All the while, complaining of the horrid inconvenience it is to have my iPhone stolen and as a result I have to go to the Police Station to obtain an affidavit for the sole purpose of an insurance claim. Wow Tarryn. Really???!!!!! Of course it is an inconvenience, I now have to spend my "precious"time doing something I wouldn't have to ordinarily do if someone out there didn't see it as acceptable to take what was never theirs. 

It's such a pathetic example but ultimately, the only thing severely WRONG with my life is that I don't do anything of substance with it!!!! "if you only do what you know you can do, you never do very much" 

I'm constantly perturbed by the poverty, violence, crime and abuse that surrounds me and in particular as I live here, in Cape Town. And yet it only ever reaches that. Thoughts, questions, perhaps a prayer that night for the soul that sleeps outside my balcony behind the my city bus stop. And that is where it ends. This constant, unbearable wave of sadness for the people suffering, struggling and no more. Just enough to forget about it the next day and be distracted by my work commitments and errands. 

In the end all this leads to is the initial question I ask at the start of it all,what the fuck is going on? Is this just something as a member of "society" (fuck society) that I have to accept, tolerate, and give my R5 when I have it? 

Sometimes I tell myself: one day I'm going to have enough money to move to an island where there is no such thing as a city or streets so I don't have to see people sleeping outside the Ferrari dealership. Where everyone will be self sustainable and sleeping in a quaint little hut, with enough food and water. Where everyone will respect and love each other and not steal, rape or murder. But then I wonder if such a place only exists in my dreams. 

I know suffering is a part of life. I'm aware. I know there has to be a balance: right and wrong, good and evil, laughter and tears, I could mention a dozen more. But what I DON'T know, is WHY in the world, can that suffering not be to a certain extent that is bearable? Why do some humans have to take it to an irreversible level of infliction and destroy so drastically? Whether it be our planet, our people or our animals? I don't understand this destructive mentality we're possessed by where we take what we want whether it's harmful or not. 

It cripples me beyond comprehension and I cry my tears of disappointment for the evil that's within us. 

If this is the state of the world I live in, 2013, how cruel would it be for me to procreate? To live a "normal" life, to get married, to make money, to go on holiday, to buy new clothes? 

Should I not rather devote my every breathe to trying to do something, write something, say something. That may possibly, hopefully, God-willingly inspire even just a single soul to act differently? 

"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can." 

Right now.... I'm in my bedroom, all I have is words, what I can do, is share them. 

Friends

Do you ever feel like you can't talk about what's going on in, around and inside of you with someone that you know because you crave a certain amount of understanding from another human entity, but yet, your being is countlessly dissappointed by the assumptions, the conclusions, the narrowmindedness, and OH, the expectations, illustrated by the personalities you're opening your heart and sharing your thoughts with... ? The frustration! I've become absurdly aware of the idea and concept held by the individuals with the name of "friend" that claim to know you, due to having spent a fair amount of time with you or have shared some of your experiences. My question is: Are you who your friends think or say you are? Some claim to know you better than you know yourself. What dictates whether a person knows you or not? If I am "this" person around them, is that then not who I am? Have they seen me alone in my room at night, gazing at the mirror, staring at my reflection watching the tears caress my cheeks, looking into my deep, bottomless eyes asking myself an infinite amount of questions, racing rapidly through brain vessels like lightning bolts. So fast but yet even more clear, like ghosts whisping through my hair, each ghost a colourful question dipping and diving through each strand, twirling and twisting my locks into one huge Jackson Pollock?! 

No they have not. I almost wish they have. I'm exaserbated by an unheard voice... words lost into the realm of nothingness as deaf ears repel them. How does one speak so as to assure one is heard? You can't make someone listen, feel, understand, acknowlege, question. Why are "friends" so damn lazy? Are they preprogramed to rattle off an automated response due to a level of comfort and frequency of your presence in their lives? What does it take to be genuinely interested in someone you think you know, for an extended period of time? Is that what makes meeting new people so "fun" and "exciting" ? The fact that you don't embrace laziness and are actually graced with the opportunity to be challenged and really listen, because you really don't know this person from a bar of soap? And sometimes, without a breathe or a whisper, upon meeting a new face, an energy is emitted that distinguishes whether indeed you are going to listen or not...

Why is it so important to have friends? People you "know" ? "Everything is better shared." A sunset, a joke, a packet of crisps, a good film. Someone to say "Did you see that?!" to? Or... is it to have someone there for you in a time of desperation? Someone to help push your broken down car to a garage, someone to make you soup when you have flu, someone to give you a hug when you're scared... but how many of these friends are actually there when you need them? Or when it's convenient? 

Or is it to not feel alone? Have you ever walked into a room with a crowd full of people and felt the most lonely youve ever felt in your life? Like a spectator, judge, an observer.... I'm alone now sitting on the bricks outside, just me and the cool breeze to keep me company, a notebook and a pen... I feel superbly at peace. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an intruder, not meant for this place, but merely here to learn something. Something vital and crucial to pass onto others, elsewhere.

Beauty is not made it's Discovered

I've eaten a R400 burger I've starved for days I've been chauffeured in a Porsche I've walked in the blazing sun for hours I've stayed in 5 star hotels I've slept in a mattress less tent in the middle of nowhere I've bought R2000 Diesel jeans I've bought R90 jeans from Mr Price I've been paid R20 000 for smashing a guitar in a TV commercial I've been paid nothing for shooting for 12 hours for a music video dedicated to Herman Pretorious I've smoked the best chronic money can buy I've smoked stompies from an ashtray I've had R1000 highlights from SCAR Hair I've done the box dye do it yourself I've gone to fancy clubs and drank Patron & Dom Perignon I've jammed in Buffelsgat and drank Black Label I've worn expensive dresses been styled and primped and poked by make up artists, designers I've scrounged in skinny jeans and band T's with dirty hair and no make up on I've worn imported Italian heels But I really just prefer being barefoot. Looking back at it all now, I know where the true value in these experiences lie. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's usually somewhere small and at the bottom. So be humble, and don't forget where you've come from.

A Day at Lazienki

Today is my 18 month anniversary and we went to the Botanical Gardens as well as the famous Lazienki park. There are fountains, roses, palaces, mansions, sculptures and of course, a ton of trees. There are classical music concerts played throughout the day, cafes where you can enjoy waffles and espresso, altogether adding to the magnificent ancient beauty, originally established n the 17th Century. A highly recommended place to visit if you ever find yourself in Warsaw, Poland.

Back in The Mother City

I came back to Cape Town from Toronto in September and since then my life has been absurdly crazy, wonderful and depressing!

At first I was sick with a disgusting sinus infection for a month (yes, a whole month) but I still did my best to go to castings and keep up with my training. Needless to say, I didn't book any jobs ;) haha


It was a stressful struggle to find an apartment that was furnished, on a month to month lease within our budget but eventually, we had a very lucky day and we found a quaint little spot in De Waterkant.

I've done two test shoots to update my portfolio as by book was looking rather bland and the results have been awesome. All credit due to an awesome girl Danielle Klopper, what a great photographer, and make up artist Alet Viljoen. Amazing team! :)
The second was with a long time friend Talitha Snow, we shot something a bit more arty and edgy and I think the pics show a very different side to me!

I'm hoping with a new book and new cards I'll work well this season ....

We'll have to wait and see!!

Capable

You don’t have to give in. Sometimes it appears that life leaves you no choice. Like other’s “make” you do things. Like the “only” option you have is to cave. This isn’t so.

You do have a choice. You do have other options. You have the option to choose YOU. To choose yourself, to choose what is best for you. To choose a state of mind that is stronger than anything that anyone can possibly make you feel.

I see it everywhere. I experience it myself. Everyone, everywhere, struggling, striving, fighting, trying… and when you add it altogether like one big large sum the equation seems to add to an almost unbearable amount. I know this can be overwhelming. I’ve been overwhelmed. It’s crippling.

And in this crippling stage you need something to “help” you along. You smoke cigarettes to calm your nerves. You have a drink to take the edge off. You smoke a joint to relax. You take a line to give you confidence. You lick some mdma to give you energy. You eat some shrooms to take your mind to a place where everything is colourful and interesting.

And at the end of it all, you forget. You forget your worries, your doubts, your insecurities, you forget your pain.

I know because I’ve been there, I’ve done it. I’m not ashamed to say it. I still smoke cigarettes, too many of them, I still drink, on weekends or a friend’s birthday, maybe one tequila too many. I still smoke weed, at a music festival or instead of drinking when I go out.

But the truth is it is ALL poison. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and more in particular, spiritually. I’m not saying I’ll never touch another cigarette, I am addicted to nicotine. I’m not saying you should never drink, a glass of wine at dinner is harmless.

In the end it’s about the motivation behind the act of consuming all these “treats”. All they do is alter your focus, your attention, they take away all of the things that absorb your thoughts, your energy, and transfer all the attention to the present moment, to right now.

And I’ve found out, through the grace that I’ve been blessed to have been given, that there are other, better, healthier ways to do that. The question is your strength of mind, your strength of will, your strength of spirit. Are you going to give into temptation and take the easy route, or are you going to challenge yourself to actually feel whatever it is that you are feeling, process it and overcome it?

I’m not trying to take away the severity of whatever the circumstance you may find yourself in, or whatever deep rooted psychological tendencies may be the cause of consumption.

All I’m saying is that you can choose to opt out. You can exercise. You can read. You can listen to music. You can take a long bath, light candles, light incense, meditate, you can write, you can call a friend, or someone you feel comfortable with, you can talk about it, express yourself, voice those gnawing issues at your core, and you can PRAY.

You can escape the trudges of your mind without drugs. The most beautiful thing about this is that you don’t have to do it alone either. Whichever Creator you happen to believe in, even if you don’t believe in one, there is most definitely a higher power that is there with you, for you, inside of you, a source of abundant strength, upon which you can rely indefinitely.

I’m not going to think that anyone who reads this is immediately going to change their way of life or be inspired to do anything differently for that matter, but I can hope and pray that if anything resonates within someone who does, that they may find peace, rest and simply ask questions.

Have faith in your capability. You are as capable as you want to be.